02.28.17 Studio 2, Journal 7 – Critique Continues, Spring Grant Work (more Group Crit, I did not go)
I did not go to class. I went to school. I worked in the library. I talked with Owen about the issue with Laser time. I really can’t afford to learn at the current rate. My last cut cost me 60 dollars. It upset me to think I could do really cool stuff but then find out that I can’t because of a policy that I don’t think is fair. That machine is just sitting there. There is no waiting list of people trying to use it. The audio-visual equipment is just as expensive and it gets used for free. It isn’t fair that we have to pay. It’s like being given an awesome new toy and told to keep it on a shelf except for special occasions.
Then I saw Nate and he said he would be in class so that Alicia could present. I was already upset and that made me angrier. Why should she get to make up class that she walked out of? I went, even when I didn’t want to, but she got to skip so she could sulk and then make it up when I should have had a chance to actually work with my cohort. The disappointment and stress just started overwhelming me. I went home.
I don’t like being so tense and negative all the time because of one class. I love the work I do for the program. I was so happy during Christmas and Spring Break. I just worked and worked. I don’t want to lose that feeling every time I have to go to Crit. I want to have a better attitude about it. I think the best thing I can do is to just stop thinking of Crit as a useful tool and just accept it as the price I have to pay to be here. I don’t like to do that because my righteous indignation sets in. I don’t think that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I think that is the only attitude that is going to let me reclaim my good feelings about the program as a whole.